Old Wounds

This piece is one I wrote about two years ago for a friend. It came to mind recently because I've realized I'm still battling old scars. Scars I thought I mended and healed. There are also scars I've ignored to the point of deep suppression that I cannot recall its details. But somehow someway, what we don't confront continues to fester and rise to the surface--regardless of the time that has passed. Funny thing though...suppression is not healing. It is a deceiving and torturous devil that can trick us into believing that the scar is gone because you don't see it or speak of it. It can make you believe that forgetting is forgiving. But not so. I'm learning that you cannot heal what you do not confront. Admission is the first step in healing. The second step is confrontation. And confrontation leads to the self-actualization that despite the pain, you made it through. It's the process that's the most painful. But making it across the bridge, while visualizing yourself on the other side is the greatest reward. I've lived through the pain of loving someone who's crushed my spirit. I've lived through being so selfish in my own misery that I invited negative things into my life that only brought temporary satisfaction. I've lived through neglect, unforgiveness, abuse and many other countless things that are too numerous to recite in this post. But the great thing about waking up today and the days beforehand is that God gives me another opportunity to get it right! To walk closer to Him, to challenge myself, to dream and to put all talents He has given me into action! But only if I let Him. And I cannot do what I was created to do unless I forgive myself, others and my past. That means stop suppressing the scars and looking at myself in the mirror with truth on how to be a better me in words, actions and deeds. No excuses, just choices.

Scars (For Mei)

I thought I mended that scar yesterday,
But its still open, still bleeding, and in need of healing.
I covered it with a band-aid
but my aid couldn't band the sickness on hand.
I covered my scar with the cutest jeans my money couldn’t buy
and pacified the soreness with liquid absorption
I sipped the sweetest juices for an internal solution
but that wouldn’t help my internal contusion.
The makeup didn’t help, it only made it worse.
It was so obvious what I was trying to cover up.
That long-staying LipGlass
couldn’t outlast,
my mascara ran and so did I.
Even Queen’s Collection didn’t keep me collected
and that SPF inserted?
Didn’t keep me protected.
My lack of healing became debilitating to me
I tried to hide it even from close friends and family
It became such a part of me
it became a part of me
the pain became an everyday thing to me
its longevity became a certainty,
its side-effects seemed a finality
These lines speak in past tense
but my scar is still every present
Still searching for that cure
that’ll make my healing permanent.

Monday Morning Poetry (In the Afternoon)

This is not an original piece of mine...but I came across it again and it still as powerful today as it was the first time I heard it.

Dedicated to the single ladies...for in due season you shall reap if you faint not!

Monday Morning Poetry

This morning's poem is taken from Dictionary.com's word of the day. Today's word is anoesis. Pronounced an-oh-EE-sis, it is a noun meaning a state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion with no cognitive context. You can read more about today's word here.

En Route

Car rides, dark nights,
Headlights, windshield wipes,
The rain knocking at my window
Drowns my mind in mindless thought
Funny,
I think more clearly when the clouds hang low
And there's no sun to see me
The water drowns me with anoesis
My sanctuary is my car and my thoughts are my thesis
Steering wheel gripped,
Radio does not interrupt
The pounding of the rain is my beat
The splash of my tires are my symphony
Lost in my thoughts until the car and my destination meet
23 miles of emotions, meditations, repentance and transgressions
Spilling myself in between white and yellow lines
On top of black concrete, the blood washes me
No wonder rain seems to purify me.

Monday Morning Poetry (At Night lol)

Maybe

So, what if I'm wrong this time?
Like,
I needed to apologize about the way I acted,
How I overreacted,
My statements,
I'd retract it.
Rewind time so that I'd get back that
time we lost fighting, arguing,
silent treatments, tension.
Stubborn me,
Let my insecurities get the best of me,
Lost the best of me,
You saw the worst of me,
All 360 degrees of me,
Now I'm wondering if you'll leave.
So maybe I'll apologize tomorrow...

Or maybe I'll let my pride ride,
And fight to have someone fight for me for a change
And make change
3 dollars, 6 dimes
I had 4 dollars in my pocket,
where's that 40 cents?
This doesn't make sense
I thought when I changed,
Things would change
Thought I'd get my heaven-sent.
I know heaven makes sense
But these bills don't add up
Gave my dollar, got pennies back.
Pockets get heavy when you carry change
There's that word again:
Change.
Maybe I'll re-title this poem
And call it pain.

Monday Morning Poetry

I wrote this original poem back in 2008. It continues to be one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy!

Writer's Block: Part II

I've been trying to write this poem ya’ll,
but it seems I've got writers block
I'm trying to eloquently elaborate these thoughts to a state of equilibrium
Find peace amongst chaos, tranquility in confusion
some cleanliness among this mess.
I was hoping this free verse
would create an outlet to reverse this curse.
But this lack of inspiration’s got me stumped
and this is the first piece I've penned in months.
I’m trying to find inspiration around me
When I don’t even know what’s inside of me
Can’t see a future in front of me
Walking backwards,
Thinking I’m seeing clearly.
Silly me...thinking I was his queen...
Begging someone to listen
When I’ve lost the voice inside me.
So, now I’m down two:
Can’t see, can’t speak.
And even my third eye has failed me.
My pen used to be a resource
now it’s a distant memory.
So, how am I supposed to touch God’s designed destiny?
I’m trying to find inspiration around me
when I’m back at the same place I started
a premature butterfly, back in her cocoon
Feeding off my mother’s breast, longing for sustenance.
The world’s not supposed to taste like this...
This flavor is bitter,
not something I want to savor.
The world gave me lemons,
Its time I make lemonade,
Or an uptown:
That’s lemonade mixed with sweet tea...
Cause I’m Sweet T:
I need a refreshing, satisfying delight,
when this hot, humid condition has gotten the best of me.
I’m trying to find inspiration
Penning this piece, while my daughter’s looking up at me,
thinking, "Mommy, when you gonna feed me?"
Thinking to myself, "I’ll feed you constantly."
With courage to speak,
(I think I’m getting my voice back)
Wisdom to see
(I got my sight back too)
Everything I lacked,
it shall be given to you.
You’ll hear, you’ll touch, you’ll taste, you’ll see
in all clarity.
God saved my life when he gave me a queen
my writers block is no more
I’ll pen some more next week....

Settling?? Nah...I'll Be Late for That!

I was talking to a friend this morning who was giving me not so good news about her relationship. She went on to say that her boyfriend's actions have always show her the opposite of what his words said. She said she wanted to tell him that she was done but she didn't feel strong enough to do so. She also said that this might be the best she could get and she should just "settle" for him. I started to encourage her.

When my friend used the word "settling," I was shocked. My friend is a business owner, a wonderful mother, and all around one of the most giving people I know. When you expect the best for your children, your job, your education, why do some women settle in their personal and romantic lives? I've been there (See my previous post). Thankfully, I'm smarter, wiser and work to stay connected with God. So, here's three things I told her...it's a good reminder for myself and will hopefully help someone else too.

1. Every relationship is a decision. You choose to enter a relationship, to stay, to leave, to be happy or to wallow in unhappiness. You know how you want to be treated and how you should be treated. Don't lower your standards. Settling???!!! Nah, I'll be late for that!

2. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Many times, we don't see a way out. Remember, faith and fear have this in common: they both require the fear of the unknown. If what you're doing is not getting good results, try something new! Then--have faith that you'll get the results you want!

3. You're not alone. This chapter in your story is not one that someone before you has lived. Nor, is it a chapter someone after you will live. Because someone lived with your pain, there's always someone who lived through your pain. There's always a blessing on the other side. Be courageous enough to see what happens when you cross the line.

Today's reflection: Confident!

Get Your Mind Right!

"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7

Nine simple words with such power. It's true what people say, that words have power. But beyond the power of the spoken word is the battle we go through in our minds. Many times, thoughts we have in our minds, memories we hold on to of negative words people have said against us, all those things may never be audibly spoken but will mentally and psychologically weight us down. Our thoughts can be just as as powerful, just as hindering or fulfilling as the words we speak. Change starts in the mind.

Let me give you a personal example. About 3 1/2 years ago, I found myself in an emotional turmoil. I had made decisions (namely about romantic relationships) that compromised who I was as a woman. I was living a reality I never intended for myself and could not see past my present situations. My thoughts were full of self-pity, resentment and even depression. It did not feel worthy of love. I felt my past would always haunt me; there was no redemption in sight. I was so consumed with the hurt I was feeling, I didn't know how to make things right. I began to make more decisions that lead me to an even darker place. It was then I picked up a book by Joyce Meyers titled "The Battlefield of the Mind." In it, Meyers explores the power of your thoughts and how negative assumptions, unforgiveness, past pain, even words spoken against can lead you to believe certain things about yourself. In turn, your actions and reactions play off of those thoughts.

Luckily for us, The Bible gives us a framework on how to think:

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is commendable; if there is anything of excellence or if there is anything praiseworthy--think on these things." (Philippians 4:8)

Thankfully, I came out of that place. But not everyone does.

What are your thoughts saying about your present self or your future self? Or, are your thoughts dwelling on past hurts, past relationships now broken, past sufferings--perhaps even past celebrations? If so, practice training your mind on positive things. Anyone can tell you you're beautiful, talented, amazing, caring or loving. But if you don't believe those things in your mind, your actions will be limited.

I present a challenge to you---the same challenge I present to myself DAILY: Get your mind right!

Submitting Myself

Lately it seems like the circle of circumstance has come to the forefront yet again. Sometimes I feel burned out on life; unhappy with my present, distant from my past and unsure of my future. I remember when I turned 25 a few years ago. I was bent on making for myself a five-year plan. It wasn't long, drawn out or detailed. It was a short list of goals I wanted for myself by the time I reached 30. There were items on my list that included buying my first home, getting married, obtaining a Master's degree, etc. And while those things are great goals to strive towards; in the present state of my life, I've found it hard to look to the next 5 years.

The last year of my life has been a transition period. The last few weeks I've looked at that transition as a sort of grinding exercise: painful but necessary. I've been working a temporary assignment for the last 4 months, unrelated to any work I've done in the past or care to do in the future. I've found that the time I spend at this job eats of the precious time I could spend on things more God-focused including writing on my novel, studying or brainstorming of the many passions God has placed in my heart but I have yet to pursue. I struggle to get up for work every day. I literally thank God at 4:30 p.m. each evening for allowing me the strength, willpower, brain power and tenacity to stay with a job that is a speed bump along me journey. Then I ask myself, is it really a speed bump? Or, is it really just a part of my testimony? Ultimately, yes. I'm learning that the scripture is really true...all things work together for my good.

My boyfriend has encouraged me to pour more into God if I want more out of Him. And he's right (and amazing :) It's not always about you, but always, always, ALWAYS about God. So now I'm learning to pour out instead of trying to pull in. God is always chasing after me but do I really chase after Him? Or am I too focused dwelling on my own insecurities and uncertainties to see the work He is trying to do in my life? I’ve learned a new revelation on what submission means. It means to yield to authority. And because God's authority is far greater than any knowledge I possess, submission is necessary. I'm learning to defer to God in all things. My clarity comes when I submit to Him. Confusion comes when I submit to my own will. I'll ride with God on this...and all things that follow.

Tonight's reflection: Grateful

The Revolution Was Televised

****NOTE: THIS WAS A POST ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON 2/17/11. I AM NOT SURE WHY IT HADN'T APPEARED ON THE BLOG BEFORE BUT THE IDEAS ARE STILL REFLECTIVE AND RELEVANT 6 MONTHS LATER. ENJOY!****

Millions of people watched in amazement as the Egyptian people stood their ground for days on end about the very thing we as Americans take for granted: freedom.

Thousands of years ago, there was a similar fight fought in Egypt. It was led by a man named Moses who was determined to get his freedom and didn't give up until he got just that.

February is Black History month. It's a time to reflect upon the mile-markers and freedom-fighters of Black America that gave us the priviledge of small victories like drinking out of water fountains with a person of another race of large victories like equal access to a better education in public and private learning institutions. It's a time of education to teach our children that every person of every color can create their own future in color and no longer have to dream and live in black and white.

Let's not forget that although Egypt is vastly categorized as a Middle Eastern nation, it is an African country. So, we watched African history unfold before our eyes. Youtube has memories of it, CNN can loop it and you can replay it on your DVR. History can still be made today. What makes you angry or upset? If you can think of something that is a legitmate cause and concern for your neighborhood, community, city, state or country you have the makings of a revolution. Don't let it sleep or slumber in your heart

What's my revolution? She's sleeping in her bed. I live so my daughter won't have to look to false demonstrations of what her womanhood looks like. I live so she can look in the mirror and truly see herself in the image of God's design and not an artifical reality of what someone said she should be. The anger of seeing young girls doing too much too young drives me to propel myself all the more on their behalf because sometimes, they have no one fighting for them. My efforts will hopefully propel my daughter to be angry enough to be herself in a media-drenched society that aims to tell her who she should be. How will your revolution begin?

And although it may not be as vast and deep as the Egyptians cause. And perhaps it won't cause a long-dominating politician to be driven out of his comfort zone, it could drive you to a step closer to the dream you see for yourself. And those are the dreams that are embedded in what Black history, African history and Egyptian history is all about. So this month, celebrate your legacy and your dreams--no matter what your race or color. And when life gets tough or tries to swallow you whole by routine and complacency, click this link

Remember, the revolution begins with you.

Tonight's reflection: Revolutionary!

On My Radio: Lecrae - Background Ft. C-Lite