Kids are Teachers Too

Lately, I've been telling my daughter about the importance of letting go. She's an only child with many cousins and is a soon-to-be stepsister. She shares well but there are times when her selfishness conflicts with her gentleness. Of course, this characteristic of a 4 year old is typical. And because it is typical, I also want to teach her the importance of giving.

Trinity's room is filled with tons of STUFF. Toys that rarely or never get played with anymore, books passed down and ripped and others that she simply have grown out of; missing pieces to games and puzzles and a slew of other things that are nameless and soon forgotten. Because of this, I've mentioned that we'll be giving away some of her toys to less fortunate kids for the holiday season.

"I don't want to give any of my toys away!" she always immediately says, with a look of terror on her face, almost tears in her eyes.

I gently explain that some kids have no toys, some even no food or clothes or shoes, like she does.

"But I want toys for Christmas!" she says back.

"Yes. But you have to make room by giving in order to receive," I say.

As Trinity sleeps, I thought about those words. And it hit me. Letting go doesn't just mean letting go of the tangible items are piled up and cluttering your room. It includes things that are cluttering your life. Negative thoughts, ideologies, people, relationships, etc. And although I know this directly; I'm sure I've indirectly practiced holding on to things I simply don't need. Like old clothes & shoes. I'm realizing that my room is just as cluttered as hers. I have to show her how to get free! It's not enough to tell her; the concept must be put into action--and I am her teacher.

Picture someone extending their hand to receive a gift. Now picture that hand, closed. It would be hard to receive a gift if your hand is closed right? Exactly! Open your hand and shake off the dead things that don't belong. In order to reach a new level, we must let go of what was. The next step is much lighter that way.

So I think we'll unpack our stuff together. Talk about it, reminisce, set it aside and move on. Clear our space, clear our minds. Smile at the thought of giving to those who don't have and prepare patiently for what God will place in our hands. No one person is above giving, not even Trinity's mom. She looks to me for guidance and understanding while seeing me as smartest person alive. Still, even Mommy's have things they hold onto for far too long. I'll teach her to handle and release the baggage. We've got places to go!

Creation

Pressure can create a sense of urgency. Pressures from work; or the lack of work. Or perhaps the lack meaningful work. Pressure from family; preparation for the future, single mother transitioning to a blended family, teaching your daughter to be confident and honest while still being her 4 year old self. Pressures of life in general: pending nuptials, more bills than money, growing tired of presenting the same ol' prayers to God while at the same time holding on to the fact that He hears every line. These are a few of my current pressures. Life is full of them and although pressure or stress has always presented itself in one form or another on one level or another, pressure is consistent.

I've come to learn that even though pressure is consistent, so is God. The truth is God walked me through times of intense financial strains before. And I was ok. So it is true today when financial pressures are in my inner court. God has walked me through emotionally and verbally abusive relationships. So it is no small feat to allow Him to guide me with wisdom in sustaining my relationship with my fiancé until the end of my existence.

I read the cover story of Essence Magazine in which actress Long was interviewed. The last few words of the article were poignant to me:

"We underestimate the lives we can provide for ourselves...if we can imagine the life we want to live, we can have that...we can manifest the kind of lives we always dreamed of having."

I always wanted to live a life without worry. So I simply stopped worrying. I wanted to have a healthy, fun, stable and peaceful relationship with the man I would marry. I work to create that type of space in my life (and am still working at this). I want a daughter who is confident, giving, honest, resilient and courageous. Therefore I invest the necessary tools, information, education and prayers to ensure she is just that. I want a life where I don't make the same mistakes over and over again, where I can forgive quickly, love freely and give begrudgingly. Therefore I intentionally insert God into my thoughts, actions, efforts, words and deeds because I know left to my own vices I am doomed! I CAN create the life I want, pressure, stress or trouble come near or far.

No excuses, just choices. And I choose to be free!

What can you create in order to live your best life?

The Best Thing I Can Do With My Tax Refund

It's that time again. Anxiously waiting for W-2s, 1099, 1098s and countless other tax forms. Every year I anticipate a substantial refund mainly because I count my daughter as a dependent, and am paying for my education myself. And just like last year and the year before I do the same thing with the refund: pay down debt, make special purchases and save. This year though, I've had an epiphany. Although I do not frivolously or excessively spend my tax return on nothingness, there is one smart decision I have neglected to follow through with: investing.

I've always been curious about investing. I've played with the idea in my mind and even spent a few mindless minutes pretending to read the ticker at the bottom of the screen when channel surfing. But my curiousity became fear when unrecognizable words like returns, yields, earnings and dividends. It seemed like unchartered territory. Worse, I didn't know whom to ask. No one ever spoke to me about investing, portfolios or the differences between stocks and bonds. The most money management I had growing up with was a class on how to write a check properly in the 7th grade. Good start? Absolutely. But beyond where to sign my name on a check is methods to make my money stretch for my lifetime--and my daughter's.

I read a recent an issue of Black Enterprise Magazine that stunned me. They hit me with statistics like how the black-white wealth gap quadrupuled in 2007. Meaning, the median wealth for a black family was $5,000 while it was $100,000 for white families. Now, you can take the statistic as trumped up, tainted, trash or what have you. The real issue for me personally is education. Because no one taught me, does that mean I repeat the same cycle and not teach my daughter? If I choose to do so. However, taking the time to educate myself only makes me a better steward over the child God blessed me with. So I'll start small. Subscribing to Black Enterprise magazine, creating an account with sharebuilder.com, taking advantage of the information presented on Yahoo! Finance, reading books on investing for beginners and seeking out others who are currently walking the path of financial wealth I hope to build.

The only way to build generational wealth is to start with my generation. As the old adage says, "Ignorance is bliss. But knowledge is power."

So, this tax time, I'm investing. No excuses, just choices...right? The first step is doing proper research. Give me your input! Has anyone had any experience with investing? Suggestions? Recommendations? I'd love to hear them!

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin." Zechariah 4:10

Old Wounds

This piece is one I wrote about two years ago for a friend. It came to mind recently because I've realized I'm still battling old scars. Scars I thought I mended and healed. There are also scars I've ignored to the point of deep suppression that I cannot recall its details. But somehow someway, what we don't confront continues to fester and rise to the surface--regardless of the time that has passed. Funny thing though...suppression is not healing. It is a deceiving and torturous devil that can trick us into believing that the scar is gone because you don't see it or speak of it. It can make you believe that forgetting is forgiving. But not so. I'm learning that you cannot heal what you do not confront. Admission is the first step in healing. The second step is confrontation. And confrontation leads to the self-actualization that despite the pain, you made it through. It's the process that's the most painful. But making it across the bridge, while visualizing yourself on the other side is the greatest reward. I've lived through the pain of loving someone who's crushed my spirit. I've lived through being so selfish in my own misery that I invited negative things into my life that only brought temporary satisfaction. I've lived through neglect, unforgiveness, abuse and many other countless things that are too numerous to recite in this post. But the great thing about waking up today and the days beforehand is that God gives me another opportunity to get it right! To walk closer to Him, to challenge myself, to dream and to put all talents He has given me into action! But only if I let Him. And I cannot do what I was created to do unless I forgive myself, others and my past. That means stop suppressing the scars and looking at myself in the mirror with truth on how to be a better me in words, actions and deeds. No excuses, just choices.

Scars (For Mei)

I thought I mended that scar yesterday,
But its still open, still bleeding, and in need of healing.
I covered it with a band-aid
but my aid couldn't band the sickness on hand.
I covered my scar with the cutest jeans my money couldn’t buy
and pacified the soreness with liquid absorption
I sipped the sweetest juices for an internal solution
but that wouldn’t help my internal contusion.
The makeup didn’t help, it only made it worse.
It was so obvious what I was trying to cover up.
That long-staying LipGlass
couldn’t outlast,
my mascara ran and so did I.
Even Queen’s Collection didn’t keep me collected
and that SPF inserted?
Didn’t keep me protected.
My lack of healing became debilitating to me
I tried to hide it even from close friends and family
It became such a part of me
it became a part of me
the pain became an everyday thing to me
its longevity became a certainty,
its side-effects seemed a finality
These lines speak in past tense
but my scar is still every present
Still searching for that cure
that’ll make my healing permanent.

Monday Morning Poetry (In the Afternoon)

This is not an original piece of mine...but I came across it again and it still as powerful today as it was the first time I heard it.

Dedicated to the single ladies...for in due season you shall reap if you faint not!

Monday Morning Poetry

This morning's poem is taken from Dictionary.com's word of the day. Today's word is anoesis. Pronounced an-oh-EE-sis, it is a noun meaning a state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion with no cognitive context. You can read more about today's word here.

En Route

Car rides, dark nights,
Headlights, windshield wipes,
The rain knocking at my window
Drowns my mind in mindless thought
Funny,
I think more clearly when the clouds hang low
And there's no sun to see me
The water drowns me with anoesis
My sanctuary is my car and my thoughts are my thesis
Steering wheel gripped,
Radio does not interrupt
The pounding of the rain is my beat
The splash of my tires are my symphony
Lost in my thoughts until the car and my destination meet
23 miles of emotions, meditations, repentance and transgressions
Spilling myself in between white and yellow lines
On top of black concrete, the blood washes me
No wonder rain seems to purify me.

Monday Morning Poetry (At Night lol)

Maybe

So, what if I'm wrong this time?
Like,
I needed to apologize about the way I acted,
How I overreacted,
My statements,
I'd retract it.
Rewind time so that I'd get back that
time we lost fighting, arguing,
silent treatments, tension.
Stubborn me,
Let my insecurities get the best of me,
Lost the best of me,
You saw the worst of me,
All 360 degrees of me,
Now I'm wondering if you'll leave.
So maybe I'll apologize tomorrow...

Or maybe I'll let my pride ride,
And fight to have someone fight for me for a change
And make change
3 dollars, 6 dimes
I had 4 dollars in my pocket,
where's that 40 cents?
This doesn't make sense
I thought when I changed,
Things would change
Thought I'd get my heaven-sent.
I know heaven makes sense
But these bills don't add up
Gave my dollar, got pennies back.
Pockets get heavy when you carry change
There's that word again:
Change.
Maybe I'll re-title this poem
And call it pain.