DEUCES to 2010!

This time last year, I was coasting. I had accepted a promotion at my job and was preparing for new things ahead of me. The end of the year ended with a clear vision of what was in store for me. Little did I know, God had other plans.

I had highs and lows. My promotion did not last a year and my walking papers came in October. A company that was in a hiring frenzy the year before had displaced 150 workers--our jobs outsourced to lower-wage paying workers tens of thousands of miles away in The Philippines. I went from in contract to buy my first home to a stagnant snails place--applying for jobs and telling myself that maybe next year will be my year for a my first home.

So, this December I find myself with no clear direction. I am not sure where I'll be in three months and have no concrete job possibilities on my horizon. But instead of being scared, I'm excited. Fear doesn't capsulate me, hope surrounds me. Sure, I'm a single mother, I have daughter who solely depends on me to support her emotionally, spiritually, financially and academically. The old me might cry every night, followed by hours upon hours of worrying about things I can't change instead of focusing my energy, tears and good sense on the things that are within my control to change. Well, Thank God I'm a new me!

In 2011, I'm not doing the worrying thing. Instead I'll do the trusting God thing.

I'm excited about 2011. I'm excited that God has given me an opportunity to pursue the desires he's given me in a unique way. What better time for me to write a book--a dream I've been sitting on for years but not enough time, energy, ideas and whatever other excuses I could think of to NOT push forward.

It was suggested to me by my mother (she's so smart!) to make a "Casting All My Cares" list. The title is based on the scripture 1 Peter 5:6-7 that reads, "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."

The idea is to write down all of your cares, desires, hopes, aspirations, goals--then (this is the key) give it to God to handle, work out, take care of, etc. My list includes goals like traveling more, publishing my writing, better financial management and closer, consistent communication with close friends. Mine also has two columns. One column is cares I have for myself and the other side is cares I have for family and friends.

History has shown that when I leave circumstances to my own interpretation and attempt to work them out, I failed or faltered miserably--and sometimes repeat the same actions hoping to get a different result. I can't let history repeat itself in that way. I must entrust my present to the one who knows my future.

What are your cares and desires in 2011? Make a "Casting All My Cares" list. Take it a step further and make a vision board for your life. I got this idea from a friend of mine who is creating a visual picture of what she hopes her life will look like this year. Yup, I've got a scriptural reference for this too! Habakkuk 2:2-3 says, "Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

So, I'm writing it down and making it plain!

In 2011 I'm not worrying...I'm trusting God. DEUCES to 2010!

On My Radio: India Arie, Again.

I Am Ready For Love?

I'm not picky. I'm not the girl who has a list of 100 things a man must have in order to be "my type." I don't read relationship self-help books nor have I been fully baptized into Steve Harvey's theories in his book "Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man." I'm simple, low-maintenance and believe it's the little things in life that fulfill us. I like most sports, namely football and all types of music. I sound pretty cool, right? Lol. I think so!

The above sounds like a well-written and convincing profile on match.com so I'll wrap it up.

Love is simple and complex; bitter and sweet; beautifully complicated. It makes you fearful and happy all in one breath. It can make you want to go slow and speed up at the same time. The very core of it makes your heart beat a million times fast while trying to relish slowly in the moment.

I often ask myself if I'm really ready for all that.

Love defined can be found in any bible, New Testament:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

I've come to know and understand that you should never ask of someone what you are not willing to do or be yourself. I also believe that you attract the person you are. People want it but can't be it. The can dish it but can't take it. Can I be patient and kind? Can I forgive, dismiss pride? Can I trust? I'd like to think so. I've done it before. I've also been hurt before. I've let down my guard, sometimes quickly, other times slowly, and still been hurt. And, yup, I've been bitter, writing off love as an unattainable fairy tale that only some are destined to reach. But isn't it funny how after the bitter phase is over, we still long for the feeling of being loved? We erase from our minds the gut-wrenching emptiness we feel when someone we loved has hurt us and fully download to our memories the climactic feeling we lavished in when it was all good.

I have found myself there lately, longing for the feeling I see in the faces of my girlfriends as they walk down the aisle to meet their groom. I'm excited about the day God's grace will shine upon me so favorably that I'll blink a million and one times to force back the tears. Until that time, I'll love God first, knowing he is the true center of my joy, unmistakably able to fill me up like no man can or will. I'll let Him be my Lord AND Savior, guiding me and correcting along the way until He's found one suitable for me. Please God, hurry up! Lol. Tonight, I'll pray for patience... ;)

Today's reflection: Anxious

Conquering Blank Pages

I'm in for the long haul.

I'm in the second week of pursuing an arduous task. I am writing a book. It's National Novel Writing Month. The task is to write 50,000 words from November 1-30. (www.nanowrimo.org).

I've always had a story to tell. I've had the character, her background and plight all embedded in my memory. Now is as perfect time as any. My recent layoff has left me with an adequate amount of time to dedicate to developing my character's story into a credible piece of literature...or, so I thought.

You know how it is...you start a new workout or diet and the first week is great! You're all gung ho and throw yourself into it full force. You tell everyone about your new endeavor and may even enlist others to join you in the new journey. When the first week ends, you're excited and self-confident, knowing you're ready to go through with whatever.

Then, week two sets in. Suddenly, life is moving rapidly. Time-management is out the door. Everything that you set out to do has not been done. You're new endeavor is placed on the back burner and you wonder if you're ever going to be able to get back on pace. Yup, that's me at the moment. Aside from conquering these blank pages, I have my daughter (who has been home with me all week. Can we say OVERLOAD on The Backyardigans??!!), a class online for my Master's program and two other miscellaneous editing projects. This is full-time work without payment! Not to mention an overdue doctor's appointment and other random things to do that weren't originally on the to-do list but suddenly must be done. Therefore, for the last few days my story, my novel, my literary masterpiece as I like to call it, has been dissed, set aside and swept under the rug. True, I hit my 10,000 word mark (about 35 pages) yesterday, an amazing feat and accomplishment. But, that still means I'm about 2 1/2 days behind on my word count. A few days ago, I even considered putting a short-term hold on finishing it. I started to panic. I looked at my bills versus my bank account, my savings and the reality that I haven't been called for job interview since this unemployment journey began in October. I began to try and talk myself out of conquering this task, convinced this wasn't the right time and that I had fallen too far behind to catch up. I began to second-guess my storyline and found myself going back edit and proofread, instead of writing first from my heart.

At this moment, I am reminded of two things:

1) Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

2) The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. (Ecclesiastes 9:11)

Have you ever read a book and became entagled in the story? All together sympathetic, enraged, angry, softened and excited for the character from the book's beginning to its end? If you answered yes to this question, you should be even more excited to experience those emotions all over again!
Did you answer no? Ok, good. That's the book I'll write. I'm writing it for you.

My next 40,000 words are more than some unpublished story I've kept tucked away for years. It's the beginning of turning my passion into profit. It's another goal accomplished, another piece of myself to leave with my daughter and another book that may just inspire someone else. All reasons why I can't quit, won't quit. I'll continue to push through to my blank pages. Truthfully, it's all good and all God.

I might just even start that Insanity workout...again.

Today's Reflection: Ready for the world!

Pretending To Be Superman

I woke up with a scratchy throat. Credit can be given to the weather change in Ohio we all knew was coming but were too much in denial to accept. When I got out of the bed I turned on the lamp and looked to my right. Immediately, my eyes focused on the basket of clothes I neglected to fold and put away the day before. I then noticed a box in the corner. A shelving unit for my daughter that needs to be assembled...it has been calling my name for three weeks now. But those things have to wait. I got the kid up, helped her dress and brush her teeth and put breakfast in her stomach...off to school she went. And me? I'm off to do the other meticulous things that keep our present secure and our future promising.

"People say I walk around like a got an 'S' on my chest."

This is popular quote attributed to 50 Cent off his 2003 hit What Up Gangsta.
It's a quote I attribute to myself sometimes when I'm feeling especially confident about the many hats I balance. Anytime I accomplish expertly balancing my life, its turns and twists, unexpected and expected dips and digs, I feel like Clark Kent. After all, Clark Kent was a master at balancing acts. He had two lives, a reporter by day and a superhero by night. He flew away to save lives, still able to meet deadlines at his day job. His life was fast-paced, deadline driven and his schedule tight. But he got it done, with style and flair, no hair misplaced. No wonder why we sometimes attribute these skills to ourselves. Superman was pretty fly!

The truth is...

I have no real super powers. I get anxious, nervous and fearful. I procrastinate (I think I mentioned this before). I find it hard to prioritize and often times feel overwhelmed.

The truth is...

Teamwork makes the dream work. My Dream Team keeps me moving. This includes the group of people that keep me sane, allow mine and my daughter's life to run like a well-oiled machine. This team includes family, church family, close friend, teachers, doctors, etc., etc.

The truth is...

I can do nothing without the help of someone else. Further, I can do noting apart from God. Without him, I fail but with His help I can be Superwoman, fighting might forces that try to weigh me down, protecting my territory, seeing through others' schemes, lies and deception and flying high in spite of my situations.

I can't quote that 50 Cent line without reminding myself that I don't walk this journey alone nor do I make things happen with my own strength. Without God and the people He has strategically placed in my life, my Superman stunts are all pretend and my balancing act would stagger and fall. So, shout out to God who gives me the ability to pretend like I'm Superman.

Today's reflection: Confident.

Like A Giant Tree

Isn't it amazing how you can be close to someone, but not CLOSE to them? My family is all around me. We are close in proximity; the vast majority of them are only about 20 minutes away. Still, I am not very close to my family. Outside of my immediate family, the emotional connection is minimal and sadly, I only see their faces during birthdays, holidays...or deaths. My grandfather passed one week ago today, my Dad's father. Family members I haven't heard from in years have reappeared. And while it always great to see a familiar face, I long for the day their presence is always present, the details of their lives are always known to me and their whereabouts never a mystery.

The string of family is so precious and I'm guilty that often times I don't realize it until a life is born in to this world or when a life is lost. My second cousin and his visited yesterday from Dayton, OH. I had never met them before. Talk about two people with such warm hearts and a fulfilling testimony. They have been married 30+ years when they were both 17 years old! Oh to have longevity, vitality and sustainability like that! Though it was my first time meeting them, immediately a familiar spirit was in the room. My cousin, along with my Dad, shared memories of them growing up, visiting each other between Ohio and North Carolina when they were young men. They revealed family secrets (yup, we got 'em!), delved into family history and told personal testimonies that make them who they are today. All the while, my grandmother who lost her husband only seven days ago listened intently. She didn't say much at all but when she did, the room grew silent, our eyes pierced at the words of one of the oldest living matriarchs of our family. Her words were simple. They are words I've heard many times, yet they made my temperature rise with goose bumps: "My husband's gone...but that's alright, I'll see him again. My Mommy and Daddy told me a long time ago to always depend on God...so I'm holding on to Him until He comes back again, just like he said He would!"

Those precious hours spent with my cousins, parents and grandmother is a day I will forever remember in my mind and heart. It is days like this I long for to have on a regular basis with ALL my family. Our family tree is as vast, tall and as full of life as the maple itself. Its roots grow deep and its branches stretch high. Limbs break and leaves fall. But it's those roots that are so stubbornly tangled into the depths of the dirt below us that maintain the vibrancy of the family. I hope to tell my story...not just on an occasional holiday but every day, always.

Today's reflection: Somber.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Sometimes they're up, sometimes they're down. Sometimes, I'm sure of what God has said to me; other times I second guess what I heard. At times, I'm at peace with my situation (I was recently laid off). Other times, I'm frustrated; tired of searching through multiple websites, signing into numerous career websites looking for new employment. I'm hesistant to make plans that are beyond the time when my severance package end. Normally, holiday season gets me excited. Now? Things seem so unsure that I can hardly catch air long enough to think about it. Can I keep it real? Ok, good. Sometimes, I'm confused. God, please help me. Teach me how to trust you. Teach me how to depend on you. Because, right now, I don't know what to do. That is all.

Today's reflection: Confused.

On My Radio: I'm Over It Now

On My Radio: India Arie

Balancing Act

Sometimes I make excuses. Sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I procrastinate.

I'm a single mother of one 2 year old daughter (a FT job), I work FT and am enrolled in a Master's program PT. My day begins at 5 a.m. and "ends" at 9 p.m. My previous past-time include reading, writing poetry and listening to music. This new found lifestyle leaves me time to read only the pages of Parenting Magazine. Or, my eyes peruse the pages of any websites geared at figuring how to get your toddler to eat vegetables. My poetry is few and far-between. And whereas I used to be the one my friends turned to for the latest and greatest, the newest and most innovative musical artists, my selection is outdated and I find myself getting jealous at the fact that my Pandora radio found an artist before I did!

I don't have much of a social life...maybe that's why this blog thing seems only natural since it allows me to live a pseudo-social life lol. I'd love to get married and have more babies one day, but not before God says it's my time, and not a minute sooner! (And please God, not a minute later :/) You think a lot about time when you very little of it, it seems.

I think of my friends everyday. Those as far West as L.A. and as far South as Georgia. I think about those close to me too, whom I still never see for reasons listed above in the first sentence. I'd like to spend more time with them. Then, my mind wanders to a paper that's due, shopping I need to do for the kid, my budget I set for the month...all convincing myself why I should stay in and watch Princess and the Frog for the 672nd time.

It's a balancing act, I suppose. My prayer life is not where it should be and I go days without reading my Bible. So, sometimes I fall off the balance beam. Other times, it's just a stumble or stutter, and I gather my composure and stand tall, better fit to take on the next day. My balancing act falters for reasons already mentioned: excuses, laziness, procrastination. God willing, I'll get a chance to get it right tomorrow.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Imagine young girls living the fullness God designed for them. Imagine girls marching to the drumbeat of their heart, rather than Lil'Wayne's remixed production beats. Imagine girls fighting peer pressure instead of succumbing to it. Imagine girls fluently speaking a second language, embracing another culture outside of their own. Imagine girls modestly dressed, leaving imagination to the mind and not visibility to the eye. This is what I imagine when I look at my daughter. I watch her play, laugh, cry and whine. She does all these things with her whole heart, putting all her emotion behind whatever action she may be partaking in. How I wish that innocence would go untouched. I pray each day that I can be a good and grateful steward over God's child...because after all, she's not mine. She belongs to God. It's my job to teach her what it is to be a good citizen, a virtuous woman who knows her worth, loves her God, cherishes her family, appreciates her friends and understands that giving is far more important in life than receiving. For this reason, she and I never leave the house without looking at ourselves in the mirror and saying, "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are the works of God. And that my soul knows very well." (Psalms 139:13-14) She almost knows it by heart... Imagine every young girl believing THAT! Peace.